Monday, December 15, 2008

It's been a while

I thought I was going to keep up with this better than I have, but I'm a college student and other things have gotten me distracted.

It's finally the end of semester (I'm going home tomorrow for break) and I'm more than ready for this time away. I'm amazed at all God has done this semester, not only in me but with my family. We have always been a tight knit group but never as much as we are now. We've been in a valley but God is walking us through.

Baby E.J. will be arriving SOON :) We are all preparing for the newness of having a baby around again. He's won our hearts over and he isn't even here yet. I'm so excited to be an aunt and to help guide Ethan in the ways of the world. He is loved so much already and pray that he will be a healthy happy boy.

I am procrastinating way too much on studying for my finals. this was a quick update but i'll try my hardest to stay up with this.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

A breath of fall air <3.

Fall is my favorite season. I love the changing of the leaves, the crisp cool air (even though I know the dreadful winter will soon be fast approaching), I love busting out my sweaters, the taste of mom's warm apple crisp, the fact that the holidays are soon coming. Fall is such a beautiful time to experience the work of God (not that you can't experience it anytime, but during fall I find it that much more apparent).

I just returned from my much needed fall break. I spent the four days at home (surprise surprise, I know). But those of you who know me, know that I just can't get enough of being home with my family. This break was a much needed get away from the Olivet bubble. Time to relax and hang out with my family.

I got to enjoy a beautiful wedding on Saturday. The joining of two souls. Spent that evening dancing and laughing and enjoying being with my mom and some of our friends. It was a nice cool evening, perfect for the outdoor party.

I got to watch my brother play football (twice during my visit home). I'm really impressed with the gifts and talents my brother has received and grateful to see that he hasn't become cocky or let others influence his decisions. He is one smart cookie and for that I am ever proud of.

I got to eat lunch with my mother, pamela and megan on Monday and Tuesday. On Monday, before my doctors visit, I met my sister and mother at the hospital and I got to see my nephew for the first time (through an ultrasound obviously). I heard his heartbeat and at one point he even looked at us and smiled (i have this picture on my room door). Listening to E.J.'s (short for Ethan Nicholas Jeske) heartbeat was nothing short of listening to a miracle. This little boy who has captured all our hearts already. I have many dreams and hopes for E.J, as his aunt I want to be a listening ear for him when he needs someone other than his parents. I want to be that one that teaches him sports and takes him to his first Cubs game. I'm already wrapped around this little man's fingers and he's already won me over. :)

My doctors visit was one I've been waiting for since my junior year of high school. My doctor finally said he was pleased with my TSH levels and could confidently say I only need to be tested once a year now and that we don't have to play with my medicine dosage any longer. Praise the Lord. :)

I also made the decision to be baptized. Many of my friends have and I've never really though about it. I knew I was a Christ-Follower even if I hadn't been baptized and I knew that he loved me all the same. But the significance of being baptized is something bigger, a deeper commitment to the one who created me and the one loves me unconditionally. I do believe this service will be on November 16th. When I returned back to school my mom texted me and said that my brother has made the decision to be baptized on the same day. Many of you know the closeness I feel with my brother and how my heart prays that he learns the ways of following God, long before I did. I pray that he realizes that being a Christ Follower is one of the coolest things you can do, especially when others tell him differently. He has a good head on his shoulder and I'm mighty proud of the man he is today. I'm very excited to get to share in this day/occasion with him.

My break from Olivet was much needed and bit more than I bargained for. I shared in many laughs with my family and realized even more how much I miss them when I'm at school. They have been a great deal of support to me, even when times weren't always easy. I truly am blessed and I look around at all the changing thats going on with the fall season and I think of tha changes going on in me and with my family. Through the changes in nature and the changes with me, I see God, everywhere I look that are hints of His character, His grace, and His love.

'Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
How you love me"

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

The place I call Home

"I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home."

Never in my life have I been as homesick as I have been feeling this semester. I don't know why I am feeling this or what could be causing it, but I long for Indiana. Many days I find my mind so wrapped up in when I next get to visit home that I can't pay attention to what my professors are saying.

I never thought I would miss Alexandria or Indiana, but I do. A lot of issues have hit my family and I wish I could be there with them to help get through these times.

I love Olivet and I love Illinois, but I feel like such a stranger sometimes on this campus. Nothing seems to be measuring up to home.

I know God will see me through, because I know there was a reason he pulled me here. At this time I can't shake the feeling of wanting to be back home.

.....I'm going to try and keep up with this again

Monday, August 25, 2008

The summer is coming to an end.

As I write this, I have less than 2 days before my junior year of college begins. I can't believe it's my 3rd year. WOW

This summer has been one of many changes, many lessons learned, meeting of many new people.

The month of May was by far one of the best. I spend time with some of the most amazing friends and deepened friendships with some that I just met. I spent time with great people and learned a lot about trust. It was the bright beginning to a good summer.

The month of June was full or heartache, that turned into a blessing, and a lot of time at home in Indiana. I went through a break-up that I had no idea was coming. I learned about trusting my true feelings and being afraid of how I feel. I no longer am afraid of that. I spent a lot of time at home with my family and spent a week in Maytown, KY which turned out to be the best week of my life. I learned so much from God the time I spent there. Learned a lot about trusting God with my life, getting out of my comfort zone, and my passion for the homeless and poor deepened. I needed the spiritual refreshment that I found that week. I found God again, in the midst of a crazy month. I realized that the break-up I went through was for the best and I couldn't see myself anywhere else than where I am right now.

The month of July was by far one of the best. I started attending a new church (Peoples Church) and I have found a group of friends that sometimes I wonder how I ever survived without them. They welcomed me and accepted me and I feel like I've known them for years. It was a trust lesson with letting new people in but I haven't regretted it one bit. I learned a lot about God and his bigger plan for my life. I spent 4th of July with my family and had the most amazing conversation with my father, he said words I had only longed to hear from him my whole life.

The month of August has been, crazy, fast and a lot about trusting God and not losing faith. A lot of things with financial aid and school fell through and left looking like I wouldn't be returning to Olivet. I hit rock bottom and almost gave up all hope. With the support and prayers of my friends and family...I'm finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I have been working a lot with school starting back up and freshman coming. It has kept me busy but very tired. :) I found a new love for my job and each new day find something new and exciting about it.

I learned a lot about myself this summer. Who I am, who God wants me to be, and the future plans he has for me. When times got rocky and rough God always pulled through. I'm anxious to see what he has in store for me this coming year. Each new day God blesses me in new and exciting ways.

Monday, August 4, 2008


Each heart knows its own bitterness,
and no one else can share its joy
-Psalms 14:10

I never really knew what it felt like to be bitter until just the other day. It was a sudden attack of the Devil that has left me wrestling with this feeling that shouldn't be here. I'm not sure why I'm bitter, because I haven't been before. But something the other day just struck me.

Maybe it's all the empty promises. Maybe it was the way I led astray with no indications. Maybe it was the fact I was blinded by something that seemed all too perfect to be true. Maybe it was because for once in my life I did everything I told myself I wouldn't do and in return I was the one that wasn't trusted. I don't want to be bitter, because honestly it's not a pleasant feeling.

I don't want to be angry. I don't want to have to force myself to seem civilized. In Sunday School we were talking about how we know the difference between the voice of God and the voice of the Devil and how sometimes we just have to say 'Enough is Enough". I'm to the at point.


I don't like the way bitterness feels. It pulls me away from God. I'm giving into the devil's voice. Cathy was right, the devil's voice is nagging and annoying. I'm tired of hearing it. I'm done. I pray the bitterness is taken away.

" No matter what it takes I will offer,
Everything I am I give to you
Even unto death I will follow,
No matter what the price I will give to you now"

Friday, July 18, 2008

Those carefree days....

Innocent Days by: Jonny Diaz
Why do I question what’s taking place
Whatever happened to innocent days
Days when I gladly walked by Your side
After the guilt but way before my pride

Why do I hide in places so small
Crowded with questions, no room at all
For all the big things You once had planned
My faith disappeared when I let go Your hand

Innocent faith/ innocent way/ an innocent heart/ filled with innocent praise

Unfailing love/ undeserved grace/
Please take me back to innocent days

Is Your forgiveness so deep and wide
That it would place me back at Your side
Why should You want me, why should You care
I don’t understand this love that You share

Lord, free my heart to feel, to touch, to see, to taste
Cover me with the robe, the garment of innocent praise

Do you remember those days when life was easy?? I'm so taken back by little children. I love watching my cousin Simon. This kid is so full of adventure and wonder. Anything he wants he can imagine it to be there. When it comes to trust he doesn't think twice about it. Simon knows that when he crosses the street he has to hold someones hand, so without thinking twice he grabs someones hand. He doesn't think about the fact that there could still be cars coming, he knows that once he grabs someones hand they are looking out for him. Why does he know this? Because he trusts them. When Simon is scared he runs to someone for comfort, knowing that they will protect him. Why does he run to them for protection? Because he trusts them.

I wish I was more like Simon. I wish that I could always run to God and not think twice. I wish that trusting God was easier than it is. Why do I second guess myself sometimes? I have no idea. I have never turned away from God, I just know how easy it is to want to pull the reigns back every now and then.

I want to go back to those days when I didn't second guess things. The days where I knew God always had the best plan for me. The days where my mind was full of wonder and adventure. I want to be more like Simon. Have the faith of a child.

"Please take me back to innocent days"

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Broken hearts and a bigger story

When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal. ~Author Unknown

It amazes me that today in America relationships don't seem to mean anything to anyone anymore. Or at least after a relationship ends it's like they never even existed. How can that be? How can talk about a promising future and then move on so quickly? How can someone pretend that what they had with someone never existed? How can someone think that their flirting manners wouldn't be hurtful when they are slapped into someone's face? Why of all places would someone choose a church to break someone's heart all over again, even if they didn't know they were breaking it?

Heart break really is worse than it sounds. It's a one of those you can't breathe, you chest feels like someone is stabbing you type feelings. It's not very pleasant, but none the less you get over it. Obviously some easier than others. But as I sat last night with the feeling of heart break (again), I let God speak to me. Easy to do since I was in church, but he spoke to me in the ways of stories, probably because that's what the lesson was about. But the Professor in the video made a good point. He said we all suffer from Myopia (which in english in near-sightedness), meaning we very easily see our personally stories up close, but we over look God's bigger story. We can't truly be a part of God's bigger story unless we use our stories to be a stepping stone for others. We have to quit trying to do things our way and give into God's bigger plan.

So last night when I wanted to be sad and crushed I didn't let myself get that way, I looked to God. I didn't want to be sad, because it gets me nowhere. I didn't want to sit and dwell on the hurt, because it gets me nowhere. I wanted to think about God and not only my story, but his bigger story for me. My story was not written by me nor is it really about me. It was written by God with the help of all those (good and bad) who have come into my life over the years.

I have a dream on changing the world, one person at a time. My story can help do that. My broken heart can help others in the future. My experiences could possibly save someone from going through what I have been through. I didn't let this broken heart moment get me down. God picked me up fast and put my smile back on my face. No person in this world can bring me down enough that God can't save me. And that adds another chapter to my story and a page closer to God's bigger plan for me.